You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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