i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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