Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
