if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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