Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
nutella sex= disaster
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
