Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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