I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
