Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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