Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
