I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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