I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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