My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
