If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
