mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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