having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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