I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
