You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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