I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
