When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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