It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
