two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
