Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
