She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
