How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
