one word: firstdatebathroomanal
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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