Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
