my phone needs a breathalizer
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
