I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
