I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
