Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
