My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
