you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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