she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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