I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
