Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
