i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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