if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
