I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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