i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
