made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
