i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
