im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
