Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
