Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
