New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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