somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
