im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
