God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
