I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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