Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I met the friendliest cop last night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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