Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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