I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
