Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
