"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize