On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
