Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You dont lie about slip and slides
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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