I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
