in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
